exiting exodus

so i just finished exodus, and while i will admit to becoming a little crosseyed while reading all of the specifications of the tabernacle i did have yet another humbling experience while reading the experiences of the chosen people wandering about in the desert.

basically moses is up on the mountain talking to god, and the israelites get all antsy and tell aaron "make us gods who will go before us. as for this fellow moses who brought us up out of egypt, we don't know what has happened to him."

at first i read this and i was like "how stupid can you be???" these people saw MULTIPLE physical manifestations of the lord- from when he parted the red sea and saved them from the egyptians, to the pillars of cloud and fire that led them through the desert, to the fire and light show around mt. sinai. it's frustrating because it feels like any one of those actions alone would be enough fuel to keep the faith fire burning for any one of us nowdays. they had miracles by the boatloads and they just couldn't believe.

about 10 minutes later i realised i was a bigger idiot than they were.

this week my family suffered a pretty terrible tragedy. nobody died or anything- but it's still a pretty shocking blow. the night before it happened i was praying to god, thanking him for giving me such a blessed life, that i could see his hands working around me.

the next day, after i got the first phonecall of bad news (there were a few more that followed), i was so angry. angry at the people who perpetrated this against my family, but also against this "god character" who i thought was supposedly watching out for my family and i, but had let such a terrible thing befall them. it really was one of those test of faith moments. a "how can there be a god if things like this happen to people?" moment. especially people who love and serve the lord?

later in the day there came reassurances, from my heavenly father and my earthly father. things will be ok. they might even be better. for the moment they are safe.

my point is that i'm as guilty as the israelites for immediately forgetting god's love for me and plan for us. the israelites were flying without a net (or so they thought). even though they were slaves, there was some security in that post- they knew what trials lay before them. but following god into the desert, to the promised land, there was no guarantee of what might befall them.

not knowing is scary. our minds are able to conjure up scenarios that are far worse than what will probably ever happen to any of us. that's why the israelites called out for the "gods" that they knew. it was easier to follow something familiar, albeit misguided, than to put their faith in the lord whom they "couldn't see."

but at some point you have to stop being afraid and move forward and trust that the spirit is moving with you. it reminds me of that story jack tells kate in LOST (yes, we're LOST-ies), where he made the terrible mistake during surgery and he just becomes paralyzed by fear. so he agrees to let the fear take over, but only for a few seconds. then he counts to five and gets to work repairing her.

Courage is as often the outcome of despair as of hope; in the one case we have nothing to lose, in the other everything to gain. -- Diane de Poitiers

more quotes on courage here.

p.s. LOST connection i JUST MADE. god appears as a pillar of cloud/fire. SMOKE MONSTER?!?!?!? :D

exodus

there's a reason they call it the good book, and that's because it's so gosh darn applicable.

i have some thoughts on joseph and the brothers, etc. but i'm skipping ahead to talk a bit about exodus because i was dumbfounded how much i needed to read that story, given that i'm about to embark on an exodus from new york.

granted i'm not fleeing captors who have kept me enslaved for hundreds of years. but i'm still venturing into the unknown.

maybe other people think of moses differently, but i always regarded him as this great leader with the confidence to lead a nation. noooooooot exactly. he was a reluctant prophet, at best. and one of the first that we've encountered so far (though jacob had his moments). everyone else seemed to take god at his word. but moses was skeptical, not of god, but of himself. well, so, in a way, god.

let's back it up here and just say that moses lived a charmed life, which i can identify with. he literally floated up to a royal upbringing. i feel like there is so much that i've been given in this life that i don't deserve. a family that, while crazy, adores me and has provided for me. great opportunities at school, at work. just really really fortunate.

and i think sometimes when you just have that stuff, and you haven't earned any of it, you don't understand what it is to have those things. and i think that's moses, in a nutshell. he was in a powerful position when he killed that egyptian, which in turn sent him into exile. "with great power comes great responsibility."

so then things are set into motion. moses has a midlife crisis of sorts. he returns to his people's roots, working as a shephard in the wilderness. and then god recruits him.

i am not at all vain enough to claim that my move to england is for some higher purpose. it's nothing like that in the least. but i'm about to take on a job that i don't feel nearly qualified enough to hold. and in that respect, i can see where moses is coming from. my boss seems confident that i can do it. why can't i?

but in the end, god provides moses with the tools he needs (i.e. aaron/crazy staff) to get the job done. and i think that's the lesson. we're never going to feel ready for the next step, for the move, for the marriage, for the kid. but you have to trust that you've been prepared to move forward and take on the challenges ahead. that everything that you've done so far has prepared you for this moment to go forth. and turn the nile into blood and stuff like that.

good times, good times. v. excited to see what happens next.